Last night during, it’s one of the first few nights where I could remember the night, and it was one of those nights where existential angst’s, as the evening always brings with it, has come to me.
For the last few days I’ve been binging on Numberphile videos, they are a set of amazing videos that showcase by interviews with researchers in the top of the fields, mathematics! Hence the youtube channel name Numberphile. When I’m into a new subject of interest, I tend to go all in, (as I do with climbing, productivity, Apple products, etc.).
With the more Numberphile videos I watched, as there exist many of them on their channel, the more I got sad at night. And I think the sadness I am sure academics like you have felt, the days where you may have felt, that the knowledge of the world is limited by our time and resources.
That anxiety is also linked to my insecurities as well, one of which is that I am 27 and haven’t been able to graduate from undergrad yet. Which was the cause of my deep anxiety and depression of recent years, but, that line of thinking has drastically been reduced via antidepressants and was why I am trying to become as much as of a mental health ally as I am today).
I went to bed last night sad that I don’t have the time to research in the field of mathematics, philosophy, sociology, biochemistry. As I am constraint by the cost of going to school and pursuing the areas of academia.
However, I woke up this morning, lay my existential angst in bed while my optimism rose from the bed. I realized that I am, and had always been the person that I wanted to become. I’ve never actualized, and realized, that I am now the insane person that I have always wanted to be.
I realized that I am the mad scientist, the cynic, the joker, and lived inside me the Daemon that exists like Socrates.
That thought made me really happy this morning, and I hope to bring forth closeness to that ideal every day.